Muddled Mummy Moss

This is the post excerpt.


This is your very first post!

Well thanks for that WordPress- yes it is- My very first post!

This is a blog to empty my mind of all the muddled ramblings that take over my mind throughout the day. I’m an over thinker and now I intend to be an over sharer!

I suffer from IBS, Depression, Anxiety, Mother guilt (severe Mummy guilt!) and very very very low self esteem. Side note: I hate the phrase “low self esteem” I want to create a new word to describe the way I feel- hopefully this Blog will help me identify this!!!! Briefly- it’s like all I can be is negative to myself and about myself – I cannot see my achievements in a positive way- I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy the way I speak to myself! So why do I do it?

This blog is about Motherhood, the relationship I have with my children, the day to day struggles of a muddled mind and all the crap in between! I also love books- I may review some books, just for good measure, as I’m writing one so it’s good to read and review others!

This blog is for the non maternal, the ones who struggle, the ones who just don’t always see their beautiful little humans as “wonderful darlings”, but occasionally want to call them “shit-bags” and crawl in to a corner and cry slowly over a few beers or Gins!

Please enjoy, share, comment! Let’s share our mental struggles and muddled minds!


The Girls – Book Review

The Girls by Emma Cline
The Girls
by Emma Cline


MuddledMummyMoss ‘s review

Feb 11, 2018  ·  edit
really liked it

bookshelves: read-need-to-review

The most intriguing and beautiful thing about this book, is its outlook and exploration if the view of women; The women have of themselves and the view society ( mainly men ) has of women. It is a coming of age. It is harrowing. It is scary. It is not a blissful easy page turning read. No. Rather, this is a book you pick up to learn, to explore, to understand how things that to the “normal” society seem unimaginable and so far away from their reality, they could never happen. It explores how easily influenced we are in childhood, in our youth, how a look, a good word, a touch, a gesture can influence our very being, and how decisions w make during this most influential time can impact on how life unfolds. What happens in our youth can define our adulthood! Scary thought when you have children. The brutality of the crime. The dirt, starvation and depravity of the ranch, that Suzanne was able to ignore….
It is a challenging read, the language makes you think and stop and question. This text, I feel, will appear on literature feminist courses. It teaches, what should be an archaic idea of the woman, the girl in society in the late 60s early 70s.
I enjoyed this book and would pass to any teenage daughter!

Parenting Minefield

The time came this Christmas when my eldest daughter was given a phone, despite our misgivings and certainty that she was too young, we succumbed to the pressure and didn’t want her to be the only one without (yes sad I know).

To be fair the look on her face when she realised we had given in and given her a phone, was priceless-she actually cried tears of joy (God help us!) but not long after the issues began. The cries for social media – No chance; the need for Snap-Chat – No Chance, the endless hours glued to it – No chance; texting me from upstairs, rather than speaking to me- No chance!

Guess how long we lasted?

Just mere days! Snap-Chat is supposedly where all the class discuss the who’s and wheres of Year 6 life and if your not in the group you apparently don’t know anything! So we relented, saying that we had to be able to see all chats and if anything was discussed she was unhappy with that she must tell us and if anyone was unkind, to tell us. My major issue with snap chat is that it is so easy to say something mean as an instant message disappears, so there is no prove! I mean this is like a dream if theres a bully – say what they want then deny it all- there is no proof. The only saving grace is that “Group Chats” are logged and I can read through them.

Oh and the endless requests for FaceTime, she must have been called 20 times one day, despite my telling her to ignore it! But then her ignoring it caused grieve! I mean seriously 10/11 year olds are not old enough to deal with phones and don’t NEED to speak to each other constantly, they see enough of one another- although apparently not if the constant chat is anything to go by-relentless!

I thought we were safe, no social media and the chats seemed harmless enough- some silly girls being girls stuff but nothing major and nothing I felt she could not handle. Although I think my mistake was saying ignore or block anyone when you don’t like what they are saying or they are upsetting you. My daughter can be over sensitive, so at times something that may have been said in jest is taken to heart and thats that she’s hurt, emotional and is blocking!

The issue with young children having the ability to converse out of school, is that it is not monitored- yes we can read the group messages, but as we all know its easy to say things you wouldn’t say to someones face, over Snap chat or on any social media platform. Its a breeding ground for pettiness, for tittle tattle and the escalation of things to catastrophic proportions! kids should go to school, have their friends, have their rows, kiss and make up ( or don’t) then come home, relax and leave it at school till the next day! The anxiety and pressure the need to always be available, to always be friends with everyone is too much, its suffocating and lonely.

As a parent, its important to observe, listen and coach, to advise your child, make them kind, caring , but also teach them not to let people upset them and to defend themselves. We cannot fight their battles for them and nor should we want to, as how else we they learn?

I have no issue with any of my daughters friends, yes there has been mean things said, but thats life, thats girls and like I say to her ‘ignore it’ you do not need anyone else approval- Stop caring what they say, do not rise to it. But man this is sooooo hard!

Also, I truly believe parents should not get involved in their Childs arguments, especially when the facts are not known. At school, a teacher will listen to both sides and speak to everyone involved and deal with the issue. When parents wade in, you see only the good in your child, believe what they say and find it easy to point blame at somebody else. However, this is a dangerous game, especially when Snap-Chat is involved, the messages disappear there is no proof, so surely its about encouraging children to sort it out and move on- gently reminding them that they should be kind and thoughtful and that they should be careful what they say, as what may be a joke to one, may upset another.

No child at primary school is evil or mean or horrible (sure there are a few, but I’ve never come across them) all girls, however lovely, are capable in a group of shocking their own parents by something they say and do, in their bid to be liked and be in with a particular group. I get this, I do, I wish my daughter would be happy being alone sometimes, it would make life easier, but then friendships make us who we are, so surely these issues and life lessons are good and can be learning curves?

Phones and group chat suck! Parenting is endless angst and a knot in the belly that will not be undone. Its crying at night because on this occasion, you know they haven’t done anything wrong, yet will face trouble at school (which should be a fun, safe place) from something that happened our of school hours! You cannot wrap your kids in cotton wool, they will get hurt, they will hurt others (even if unintentionally) they will Fuck up, they will be lonely, scared, tearful and you just have to watch from the sidelines sending them in to what could be the lions den- but whats the alternative? They need to learn, like we did. Phones are a lesson, I wish I didn’t have to learn with three children, it makes it hard to switch off, for them to switch off and it creates problems, of this I have no doubt! But it is the world we live in now, it is their world, their generation and they need to learn to build a thick thick thick skin!

Parenting is a minefield.



Comparison & Competition

Point one:

We all have groups of friends; the mum friends; the school friends; the gym mates and some people manage to mix the “groups” seamlessly, but most have a panic at the different worlds and friendships colliding!!!

Point Two:

The ability to think of your own style, narrative and thought process when influenced and inspired by others. At first glance this is a great thing- we are driven to replicate what we see and love and surely it’s a compliment to do so?!

Well, let me get to MY point! Influence and inspiration is good but copying and doing only what others do and losing a sense of self actually sucks! You have your separate group of mates and by each you are drawn to a particular type of style/fashion/interior. Ok fine! However what about when you only do what those around you are doing- you buy the boots, paint the house Grey and go for pot plants etc only because it’s what you’ve seen! When does inspiration become necessity because you have lost your idea of what you love, what you like?!

It’s cool to inspire someone, for them to buy the same boots, coat or colour their bathroom as you did, surely? Or is it lazy on the part of the friend?! Can you not find inspiration rather than copying?!

Finding who you are is not an easy task. Daily, hourly at least we are bombarded with images, pictures, selfies, nicely filtered interiors that surely make your life all the better if your house looks like that! If you look like that!

Well no actually! Because you are being made to be someone your not- you are looking at an image and trying to recreate it in someone else’s image. You aren’t using bits from A, some from B and creating your own C! No, what your doing is saying “it worked for them, it will work for me!” But it won’t because you have a selection of friends- which group do you aspire to? Which do you feel aspire to you?

Primarily you should look to who you are- don’t just copy be only inspired – research, question, challenge and do only what you love! For me, I like a nice home, would love to have more interior style, but I’m lazy, I like practical and I love a lived in house! I have three children I do not desire a showhouse, I crave a home!

Style wise I’ve never really been one to copy- I like comfort end of! But you see if time and again. It’s good to look to others for inspiration but don’t be fooled- you need to be what makes you happy!

Finding your self in a world that is drowned by images of perfection is a challenge many are mentally incapable of – I wonder who I am daily!

Comparison is the theif of joy!

It really is! But we are all guilty of comparing- sometimes it helps- it pushes you to move forward – to succeed! But it can also consume you and control who you really are.

Be who you want to be! Except that you aren’t perfect, that you do want what others have, but except it, rather than desire it! Life is short.

And friendship groups are desperate for a reason – we aren’t one person all of time. Have a collection- have tribes- be Ok with being part of many rather than the master of none! Look outside what’s presented be aware and push your sense of self!


January Rebellion- Whose with me?

January is filled with #positivevibe messages, #quotes, #fitness #diets #lifestyle advice etc, but what if all this advice on the way we SHOULD be living is actually just opening us up to a self loathing and failure? That’s how I feel! Should we diet? oh is cheese, biscuits and drinking in excess only for December? Does the fun suddenly have to stop and the hard work begin? Is that it now, we have to punish ourselves for the foreseeable and dress it up as “self-improvement” to be successful and happy?

Is January just an extension, an explosion if you like, of the social media work which has for years now been presenting an image that for most is unobtainable, unrealistic, unreachable and franking fucking soul destroying! Its like a catalyst for self-loathing. December is done, the fun and frivolity is done and now you MUST enlist on some sort health kick, abstain from at least one thing (or 2,3,4,5…..etc) to be a GOOD person, to be the BEST version of you!

No longer accepted is it that you are OK the way you are, that yes healthy is good, balance is good, but you should and could be doing more, and if you are not doing these things the you are surely failing! Failure; guilt; hatred; self-loathing. These are the words that seep in to, what was in December a happy (Ok 80% happy) mind. The media explosion has well and truly gone off and the atmosphere is clogged with thick, penetrating molecules of all things negative, even the most confident of mind and body is  sill penetrated- the voice of negativity still seeps in, slowly,…. you are no longer good enough, you must be a better version of you, you must! Or you are failing!

Dramatic yes! But the truth. As a strong believer in what you put in, you get out, this rant could be perceived as contradictory, but please let me assure you it is not! Exercise is good, a good diet is good, enough sleep is good, not binge drinking is good, everything the January diet and exercise regimes and media circuses are saying are underlined by something good, there is no denying that. However, its the unyielding pressure to do more, to be more, to set these unrealistic goals, to set ourselves up for failure that just gets me.

So far, I have said I would partake in RED January (Run Every Day) = Failed. I have said I would not eat as much chocolate = Failed. I would not drink everyday= failed. I will sleep more = failed. I will bath the kids before bed every night = failed. So as you can see I have not done to well with my goal setting.

For me goal setting (I supposedly wonderful and necessary thing, if social media is to be believed) is a tool for success. Not if your me its bloody not. Not if you suffer with anxiety and depression, its not. No no, on the contrary, as soon as I set a goal, the devil goblin in my brain sets about seeping the poison that has penetrated my brain and rebels, like a grounded teenager, actively seeking to do the opposite of the goal and actively sabotage any attempt at reaching the goal.

Goals are not for everyone – not for me anyway.

The black cloud of January self-loathing is weighing down on me at the moment, the fog is thick and lasting and my comfort is found in beer, dark chocolate and quiet solitude. The important thing for me to remember is, this feeling is a moment in time, I know my feelings are irrational, unfounded (sometimes) and verging on ridiculous ( I am not fat- not the weight I would like-but not fat) so I just need to hold tight, strap in and wait patiently (without any more “GOAL” setting, for the cloud to thin and eventually list. The devil goblin will be caged again, but January you are my nemesis, you are not my friend, you do not offer me hope to be a ‘better’ me, you are not my NEW start.

Remember its just a month, just a date and that we are on a journey, never fully reaching our destination and the turns and choices we make can be changed, they aren’t always right or wrong, and you can always change direction. xx


Kimberly Belle The Marriage Lie

After months of Ok reads, I’ve been plowing on to find a novel on my “to read” self that would grab me, consume me and not let me put it down, unless children or sleep demanded. This book, I am ashamed to admit, had been gathering dust on the shelf for a few months and kept being over looked. Why? Well because the blurb read like it would be predictable. Ok ok, that is a little unfair, its not every book that suggests that when a husband dies in a plane crash, a web of lies will unfold. However, I thought I knew how the book would pan out: husband dies, husband lied, wife feels firstly heartbreak, then betrayal, then is actually relieved he is gone- the end, with a nice neat bow. However, the book is much more than that. the characters are appealing, especially Iris and her twin brother Dave. The story is illusive, but teasing. It makes you think you have the answers-you don’t. It asks you about your idea of love, your moral standing and your willingness to accept somebody for who they are now, rather than who they once were. It looks at the importance of family, the weight of grief, the strength of love and the connections we have to all of these people that make and shape our lives.

It is a great read and one I will be actively recommending.

The Marriage Lie


Muddled Muse on being Ok with the Now

So in today’s society it’s all about being present; present on social media platforms, present on the moment etc. Busy has always been perceived as being the best. Emma Gannon recently suggested that there is a recent shift in attitudes and that it’s actually becoming socially acceptable to not be “rushed off your feet” and always “catching your tail”, rather that it’s Ok to not be super busy all of the time and actually can be seen as more time efficient!

For me, I’ve felt the word “success” has always been intrinsically linked to being busy, having a successful career, having a family, basically having it all and managing the shit out of it!

However, this idea is so far from the reality that it begs the question- can anyone actually be that busy and be truly happy? Is being “busy”, being “in demand” the only way to be Successful? Is Success measured through your own eyes or through the eyes of those around you? Whose ideas on success may differ to yours? Society labels, it’s what we do now, but labels themselves can’t stick- they peal away over time, fade and can fall away completely, so can success ever be attained if it’s ever changing?

So, for me, success would have been earning money and supporting myself, owning a house, having a man who loved me and maybe kids. Then when I had a man who loves me, three kids, a home we own but it’s my OH supporting me – where is my success? Is it in the love and family? Well I would argue yes, I feel successful that we have found one another, support one another and struggle through parenting with each other (whilst trying not to kill one another!) but the reality is far from a feeling of successful!

I do not have a career, despite my obtaining a First Class Honours Degree with small children and a part-time job. I do not have my own money. I do not do any work now, and my three children are in full-time school. I cannot, and would not, be able to support myself if I needed too: scary!

The government and their shit ways has meant that my earning offset against the cost of childcare means i would merely break even at the end of a working month and would barely see my kids- where is the point in that?! £60 a day for 3 children to do before and after school club! Think about that!

I’m have full and total responsibility for the children during the working week- my OHs job has no set hours or forewarning, so he can never commit to being back in time for the kids- meaning I can only work between the hours of school. It’s a great tragedy that there is not enough school hour jobs- if you have a shorter time you get the shot done ASAP- fact!

So, my options and possibilities at attaining success in terms of financial stability and career success are greatly diminished! I hear people say “do what you love” Ok that’s great – how exactly can I make money over loving to be opinionated and debate topics?! How can I make money reading and reviewing novels? It’s all a lot more challenging that the idea of “go out and get it”, “follow your dreams” life entails responsibilities, your life isn’t always about you.

Furthermore, I have chronic IBS, which means I’m constantly fatigued, have extreme hormonal ups and downs and need a great amount of rest and sleep to be able to function on a daily basis. It sucks. I did work full time with three and I was then severely ill and miserable at home and no better off at the end of each month.

So, success, has had to shift for me. I have had to realise that managing a week without IBS is a success. That if my days mean taking my children to school, exercise, sleep, housework, rest etc, collecting kids, enabling kids to go to after school clubs and tournaments, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, then this is Ok, I’m a success.

We are all just repeating patterns daily and if mine is dull or perceived as lazy to some, then so be it. This is a moment in time, a moment in hopefully a long life. At this moment my success has to be just learning to be Ok with what I have and I’m able to have in the now. That’s not to say I won’t strive for a career, at some point- I would to, but for now, today my success is that I’ve learned to be Ok with the cards I have been dealt at the moment! That it won’t be for ever, that one day I may have more freedom to pursue my career, but also just resting, reading and making home between 930/3 is a privilege(wasn’t one I First perceived as privilege, but it certainly is now) an opportunity to relax, to some days do nothing, to read and exercise, hobbies I need and enjoy!

Successis every changing. Don’t ever feel unsuccessful, just adjust your ideas of success as your life takes the many highs and lows it will endure x