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Muddled Mummy Moss

This is the post excerpt.

This is your very first post!

Well thanks for that WordPress- yes it is- My very first post!

This is a blog to empty my mind of all the muddled ramblings that take over my mind throughout the day. I’m an over thinker and now I intend to be an over sharer!

I suffer from IBS, Depression, Anxiety, Mother guilt (severe Mummy guilt!) and very very very low self esteem. Side note: I hate the phrase “low self esteem” I want to create a new word to describe the way I feel- hopefully this Blog will help me identify this!!!! Briefly- it’s like all I can be is negative to myself and about myself – I cannot see my achievements in a positive way- I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy the way I speak to myself! So why do I do it?

This blog is about Motherhood, the relationship I have with my children, the day to day struggles of a muddled mind and all the crap in between! I also love books- I may review some books, just for good measure, as I’m writing one so it’s good to read and review others!

This blog is for the non maternal, the ones who struggle, the ones who just don’t always see their beautiful little humans as “wonderful darlings”, but occasionally want to call them “shit-bags” and crawl in to a corner and cry slowly over a few beers or Gins!

Please enjoy, share, comment! Let’s share our mental struggles and muddled minds!

Monday Motivation???

So I always do the typical Sunday thing- get grumpy around teatime that tomorrow it will be Monday and that’s another week gone and feel deflated and low! Then remind myself that this is absolutely ridiculous, I don’t even bloody work on a Monday! 😂😂 but there is the school run and life shit!

I think you either think like this (negative glass half empty shizzle) or you set yourself targets for Monday- I’m often in this camp too!! Monday will be full of good food, the outdoors and exercise! I will have will power, I will NOT eat chocolate, I WILL exercise etc etc and so the pressure is on!!!

Now neither works!!! You dread it and so you set your set up to awake Monday resenting the day, or you wake, jump up, exercise, make a smoothie and get out in the fresh air- until lunchtime when your knackered and eat too much and have some chocolate for good measure! (Oh and then feel super guilty!)

Whichever camp your in on a Sunday night- it never goes well! And that’s because we are putting too much emphasis on it being a “new” day, a “new” start, when actually it’s just another bloody day!

You can start exercise any day, you can begin to eat better any day, you can change what your dreading – as Monday is just one of a 7 day week!

I hate Monday- this is because I do set myself up to fail! In a culture where goal setting is key to success (apparently) I just feel deflated! I hate goals, I hate targets because as soon as I say NO to something I want it more! I like self harming, (I don’t actually like it! But it feels that way!) as soon as I say “I will exercise 5x a week” “I will only eat 1500cal” etc I just can’t do it! It’s like a gremlin a monster in my brain that just does NOT allow me to succeed!!!

And so I feel like a failure again! Every week!

My gremlin is well and truly in control- he is my driving force. I’m hoping one day I can bash the gremlin on the head and tell him to do one- but at the moment, so called Monday Motivation can do one!!!!

Sister, Sister Review

First book by Sue Fortin, but I will certainly be seeking out her other novels. This is a fact paced psychological thriller, that has plenty of twists and turns to keep you interested.

The unusual family home-life set up was refreshing, with Claire being the main wage earner and Luke being the predominant career for the girls, which is more representative of modern day families and didn’t just fall in to the trap of stay at home mum- it also (probably wrongly) gave Claire more credibility – don’t shoot me I’m not saying a stay at home mum isn’t credible but for the purpose of this plot line- a working solicitor works well (I’m a stay at home Mum- I know I have every chance of losing the plot! 😂).

Staring the novel with “the crash” definitely drawers you in and makes you want to read on and find out why! You are immediately introduced to Claire, her Mum and Luke- and I couldn’t reconcile the Like from the start with the loving husband/dad, which meant I was super eager to know what had lead the relationship to go so so wrong!

They were pets of the book I found frustrating – mainly because I wanted Luke to see things from Claire’s point of view- his reaction sort of opposed the relationship of love, giggle, lust that had been presented … surely if they had that kind of relationship Luke would try and believe Claire?! But then that’s the romantic in me!

It’s scary because you put yourself in Claire’s shoes and wonder if you would question your own judgement and who you would trust- you can also totally understand a level of jealousy at your Sister returning and the complications within family relationships that would cause. It’s very thought provoking!

As a regular reader of psychological thrillers I like to think I notice threads that maybe shouldn’t or wouldn’t always be noticed- around pg154 I started to doubt one relationships honesty….

I’m intrigued by relationships within families, especially that if Mother and daughter and this novel didn’t disappoint- Claire and her Mum have a strong firm bond that has always been weighted with the loss of Alice- so upon her return you can totally understand the Mothers need to protect the daughter she has been unable to protect for life- whether that’s “right” or not is t in question – but mothers know maternal love can render you blind!

The novel is fast paced, a page turner and also quite threatening as you really route for Luke and Claire to work and for Claire to be believed! I did have a good idea early on what the twist could be- but it played out better than I had anticipated.

My only negative was I sometimes was aware that a person wouldn’t speak the way the book presented – Tom was very verbose and I don’t think that’s greatly realistic…

It’s a great book for a holiday or quick read- Get a copy!

What about when both of you think Fuck it?

So it’s no secret that I find parenting hard, more so recently after a hormonal rollercoaster of a summer and no Duloxitine to give me my breathing space! But what happens when you both loose your shit?!

The idea that “happy wife, happy life” and “if Mums happy, everyone’s happy” just adds to the Mums responsibility to be bloody happy! (I call this the Weight of Motherhood and will be doing a blog on this!) but what if Dads not happy- what the hell happens then?

Well, I’ll tell you- the whole fucking thing goes to shit! So, today we are on a road trip to visit my cousin and the kids are packed in to the back happily arguing and getting a little too physically close- when Daddy just loses it-I mean totally blows! It was a Mummy Meltdown if ever I’ve seen one and I have plenty so can totally empathise with him! What was hard was what the hell do I do? He has to calm me down – tell me to leave it- but the tables had turned and I was just too shocked and, if I’m honest, a little upset.

Middle child had silent tears rolling down his face, whilst the other two looked on aghast, as their Daddy said he didn’t enjoy their company. He is right, it’s hard bloody work at the moment – they don’t get on, they don’t listen, we are constantly repeating ourselves and it’s totally draining!

We know they are children, we know it’s not their fault and that they can’t be good all the time, but sometimes because of other “life shit” going on you have these irrational outbursts, these moments of sheer anger.

So, I took the kids off at the next services to give OH time to think and calm his clearly very tense mind! I explained to the children it wasn’t personal, but they need to understand that their actions have consequences and adults can get upset too.

Parenting is one hard slog and when your parents and parents in law add to your stress, your job adds to your stress, your financial situation adds to your stress (you get the picture) you can’t be the patient calm reasonable adult all the time!

So conversations need to be had and I need to let him know that his happiness is important too, that I will step up my game and that he can talk, share and offload on me, even if my mental health is a bit shit at the moment- him being happy is just as important to me!

Life is tough- talk love laugh and always listen and realise others around you, supporting you, may also need your support.

Giovanna Fletchers Happy Mum, Happy Baby

I wanted to love this book, I really wanted to love this book, as I am slightly obsessed with the Fletcher’s, especially Giovanna. She is a successful writer, Social Media Queen and appears to be a lovely down-to-earth real woman, who isn’t afraid to show her true self to the world! I mean its pretty brave (I know it shouldn’t be “Brave”, but your running the risk of being trolled constantly if you do not look how “perfect” is perceived) to bare your naked face on Instagram and show the real you. I even listened to Podcasts with Giovanna about the book, so knew it was going to an open and honest account of her journey in to Motherhood and all the high and lows that entails. But what I didn’t anticipate was that reading this book would make me feel worse about my journey to Motherhood!

Now, I must be clear and say that it is a great book and one that I would recommend (ive given it 4* on Goodreads),  it addresses the discomfort of leaky boobs and a saw “foof” which no on talks about, or doesn’t talk about enough! You really think you are the only one unable to sit down without wincing and smelling constantly of stale milk! Motherhood in the early weeks is not attractive! The passage on Miscarriage really resonated with me, having recently suffered one and it made me feel warm and comforted knowing that others felt sad, even if it was early, even if you did only recently find out you were pregnant. It offered me a warm hug and said its Ok I was sad too, you are not alone. I liked it!

. I’m glad I got to the end of the book, because it affirmed my love for Giovanna, she does not judge, she does not say what is right or what is wrong, but works to unite women and get women talking, opening up and being honest about what they find hard, so at no point do I think it was her intention to come across a certain to way to appear like a “good” Mum who was blessed with the maternal instinct and overwhelming sense of love for her children- I just genuinely believe she just is that Mum.

Throughout the book, I couldn’t stop this overwhelming sense of the guilt. Motherhood for me has been a constant battle, I think that natural maternal instinct and unconditional love has had to be learned, it certainly wasn’t (and isn’t) something that comes naturally to me. Maybe this reflects my maternal bond with my Mother, but that’s a whole other Blog! Babies, I have had three and with two the bond was instantaneous, I adored feeding them myself, having them constantly with me, attached by a huge strip of fabric to my chest, so they could always be close-but come the toddler years and the independence and I want to crawl in to a cave and never hear the word “mummy” again!

In the Chapter ‘I Will Reclaim My Sleeping Hours’ the guilt really went up a notch, you are told of their bedtime woes and then when they are going to bed successfully, Giovanna writes that a “strange sadness settled over me [Buzz able to] happily settle himself put me out of a job” Oh dear Lord! Mr Guilt really knocked loudly then- I do not recall ever, ever, feeling this way (and that’s fine we are all different, my rational brain will tell me), I want them in their rooms so I can have Me time and they best be near death if they want to disturb me! A huge part of me never “loved being wanted and needed”, well certainly not at bedtime! Nope- I would say the hardest part for me has been the being needed and wanted CONSTANTLY! So at this point in the book I was shrinking within myself, thinking being bloody open and honest is freakin easy if all you need to be honest about is how much you love, idolise and adore your children.

Now this is where I feel bad, (see the guilt again) as I know Giovannas message is very much to unite women and not to judge, so I believe that she wouldn’t read this and judge me for feeling safe in the knowledge that when they (the little humans) are asleep I am rejoicing that I have a few hours of time without being needed and  that daily I ask “why”. No, I believe she would not judge, as long as my ultimate aim is to bring up children who are “confident, happy and loved” (pg.3), which is my aim.

Its just that daily I feel like I am failing. Parenting is really fucking difficult.

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